Ron DeSantis’ Final Essay For ENG4704: Senior Film Theory

I’m more than just the Governor of Florida; I’m a film bro just like you. I’ve seen Fight Club eight times. I consider Kubrick a fellow feminist. Hell, I can even relate to female characters like Tai from Clueless because I, too, am a virgin who can’t drive.

AP Photo/Lynne Sladky

My Fellow Fascists — I mean, Floridians. Today I, Ron DeSantis, will be presenting my final paper for ENG4704: Senior Film Theory. We’ve watched a lot of marvelous films this semester, all directed by some of the most respected and praised racist white pedophiles in the country. Thus, it’s been more than hard to choose which one’s dick I’d like to suck the most — I mean, which one deserved my attention the most. But, after careful consideration and hours of searching for shirtless pictures of him on the internet, I’ve decided to talk about the one, the only, the gorgeous — I mean genius,

D.W. Griffith.

Although we watched The Birth of a Nation to analyze and reprimand its glorification of white supremacy, I argue that this film is, in fact, the best one our country has ever seen. Sure, it was an inspiration for the rebirth of the Ku Klux Klan, and yeah, maybe it uses white actors in blackface, and alright, it may have shown radical republicans like me as encouraging equality for Black people, who in the film are represented as uncivilized, mentally inferior and sexual predators of white women, but, you know, um…hold on my mouth is watering just thinking about it, *gulps protein shake,* okay, anyway, where was I? Oh yeah.

So as you can see, this film stands for everything I stand for. It fights for everything I fight for. While all the liberal arts majors are pushing *uses air quotes* critical race theory on me or whatever, why aren’t we talking about Griffith’s soft, pale lips — I mean, the stunning cinematography of this film?

Let me say that I, for one, am all for equality. And because I am open to seeing all perspectives, I feel it’s important for us to recognize the significance of The Birth of a Nation and the power it had over people I desperately wish I could’ve slept with — I mean, the early republicans of the time. Do you guys think we’d be where we are today without Griffith and his cute little fedora, his tight-fitting suits, and his high collar that I want to sensually wrap my fingers around?

Where was I going with this?

Anyway. Look. I’m not gay, okay? I just have a deep infatuation with violent and psychopathic men because I’m a narcissist, and they remind me of myself. They remind me of everything I strive to achieve. I look up to them, from on my knees with their dicks in my mouth and my eyelashes fluttering so they think I’m pretty. Listen. It’s not gay to be sexually attracted to Griffith. It’s just a fact of being for many of the men I work with.

All that being said, my next bullet point is on the use of lighting in the film and what it says about good versus evil — I mean, white people and black people. I’ll just need your attention for a few more hours, if you’ll allow me.

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